A number of years ago I was sat in a meeting and commented that I was useless at detail – it was one of my weaknesses. A colleague looked aghast “Weaknesses? How do you look yourself in the mirror ever morning thinking ‘I have weaknesses’? These are ‘development opportunities‘”.
I must admit I was taken aback. My instinct was that it was worse to look in the mirror each morning and tell myself that although there are things I am not good at, I must refer to them as ‘development points’ to protect my own ego. But the more I think about it, the more it starts to make some sense.
This is really just positive re-enforcement. Psychologists will tell you this is the best way to create behaviours in the children and animals (and judging by my 1 year old son, there is sometimes little difference!) – rather than punish bad behaviour, it is better to reward good behaviour.
Good behaviour/bad behaviour? What has this got to do with anything? My colleague’s point was that every time I criticise myself needlessly, I am effectively repeating a negative affirmation – re-enforcing an unhelpful belief that I have. This is along similar lines to waking up everyday and repeating “I am a bad person”. Which will do you no good at all…
The danger is that these things become self-fulfilling – the more you tell yourself you can’t do something, the less able you be to do it. Try going to party one evening, but spend the preceding day telling yourself that you’ll have a crap time, and you’ll know nobody. The next time, really look forward to going, and seeing how many new people you can meet. I suspect we’ve all done both, and all have all seen the difference.
So when I am writing a blog post, or a letter to a client, and realise I have no idea how to spell half the words – rather than say “I am such a rubbish speller – I can’t spell anything”, I should be saying “Great – something I can work on. I’m going to pick three of these and learn how to spell them”.
There is a subtle difference between ‘conning’ yourself over a flaw, and interpreting it as an opportunity. The former leaves you stuck a rut, whilst the latter drops you a rope ladder out.
Have you any experiences like this? What did you learn?
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Elegant and true. One of the first books that taught me how to look at the world in this new way was Richard Bandler’s “Reframing.” Excellent read for anyone who is interested!
Many thanks for your comment – I haven’t come across Richard Brandler’s book before, so thanks for the recommendation. It can go on the list to read!